Episode #90 Listening to Your Heart
Busyness, cultural messages, and a reluctance to be vulnerable often get in the way of listening to the messages of our hearts, that “inner wisdom” that knows the right thing for us, at the right time and place.
In today’s episode, Sharri Harmel details how we lose sight of our “heart wisdom” and gives practical insight on how to start listening carefully to what your heart says, and how to remain open to possibilities!
Resources and links in this episode:
Episode 83: A Conversation with Beth Djalali
Episode 88: Jeepers Creepers, It’s Imposter Syndrome, Again!
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Episode #90 Listening to Your Heart
I use the phrase “listening to your heart,” but YOU might call it “listening to your gut,” or “listening to your intuition” or “messages from the angels.” It doesn’t matter how you describe the way at which you get these messages. What is important is that you listen. And to do that, you have to get quiet and be open to whatever the messages are….
Those messages can be strong, challenging messages that sound something like this….
“This marriage is truly over” or,
“Honey, you need to return to who you truly are and stop chasing whatever it is that you have been chasing!”
Another might be,
“It’s time you prioritize your health” or, even something specific like,
“Girl, get moving!” or “Stop the sugar.”
Those messages can also be strong, motivating messages like …
“This is THE right business for you,” “This is THE right home for you,” “This is THE right time for you to get started,” “Take a chance, start that business…”
We all get these messages from our bodies. Here is a very specific example I think many of you will relate to. When you are looking for a new home and the agent opens the door to a potential home, you know within the first few minutes of walking through the front door whether the home is a possibility for you or not. You might not be able to describe exactly why you know it, but you do.
All those messages and conversations come from that place inside of you, that very wise place that when we get quiet, has loads of wisdom to share with us.
But why do we often override our inner wisdom?
Because we are too busy with life. Too busy with plans. Plus, to really listen, you have to be opened to possibly being wrong in all those plans you’ve created in your head and that takes a high level of vulnerability with yourself.
Now Brené Brown is the vulnerability expert, but I’m talking about an aspect of vulnerability that we don’t talk about much, and that is our vulnerability with our own thoughts, judgements and even decisions. Let me share.
When my two children were going through the endings of their marriages, they needed me. I lived in Boston and they both lived in Minneapolis. I decided that being close to them geographically would be the best for everyone.
On strengths-finder, my #1 and #2 strengths are activator and futuristic. Sounds good right? I’m a woman of action who can see future possibilities! More about that later!
So, within a month or so, I bought a fixer upper near both of my kids, put my Boston condo on the market and rented an apartment as my temporary abode while the fixer-upper was being redone.
That house was going to be the center of my “family life.” I wanted spaces for grandkids, parties, a yard to grow vegetables and maybe even a dog. I even had plans to stop my coaching business. I was going to be a combination of Mary Poppins, my grandmother, and the virgin Mary. well maybe not the virgin part. I was going to be a matriarch! I was mesmerized by this image of the “new me” role!!
Sounds fabulous right?
What I didn’t do was listen to my inner messages!
And about those strengths? As I tell my clients, our strengths unmoderated, can also become our Achilles’ heel… but I forgot this when making my very emotional decisions.
The desire to jump in and “save” both my kids, (who, by the way, didn’t need saving) and get closer to my grandkids, be the family matriarch, and have a home filled with people going in and out…. over-rode every single message my heart was trying to communicate with me!! Fast forward…
Each of my kids found lovely partners before my house was even finished AND they both moved far enough away from the city that my big house had just me in it most of the time. Plus, as you all know, renovations always cost more than the estimates especially when dealing with a 100-year-old house that had real horsehair as insulation! As for the gardening, I conveniently forgot that I have a black thumb. Honestly, I can’t grow a thing. I love gardens and flowers, but I don’t like to garden mostly because I’m not very good at it. Gardening confuses me.
But more important than the house, the garden, and my adult kids, is that I hadn’t ever felt at home in Minnesota and that is why I moved away so many times during my adult life. Plus, most of my life’s greatest tragedies and sad times happened in that state.
So, by not getting quiet, and listening to the messages from my heart, I got myself into a financial, emotional, and physical pickle. I imagine many of you can relate.
The real question is why do we override the wisdom within ourselves?
Is it just because we get busy? No, it’s much more than that. Our culture has a HUGE impact on us. By culture, I mean our families, our friends, the culture of our country, our society, and the times we live in. And, when we are going with the flow of all those cultures, life is smooth. We’re in a raft that is gently floating down the river.
When we push against any of those cultural messages, we are either paddling super hard to get our raft to go upstream or it’s navigating through white waters. Pushing, paddling, and continually changing directions as we try to get through competing currents all the while avoiding huge boulders. It’s hard to go against the current.
Starting a business as a woman (mid-life, next chapter, whatever you want to call it) often means you are going against the cultural norms.
If you’re in mid-life, our society says it’s time to start to think about maybe a condo in a warm climate for the winter, estate planning and wills, or moving closer to your adult children. AARP starts to send you information through the mail at around age 40…crazy! I remember being incredibly offended when I got my first AARP invite in the mail!
I suspect that if you are listening to this podcast, you too are not willing to accept whatever the cultural norms are telling you. You are thinking of starting your own business. Take a deep breath because I’m here to tell you that you aren’t so odd and there are some stats, you’ll find interesting.
The US Small Business Administration says that half of all US small business owners are over 50 years old. Women of color are starting businesses at an amazing rate! And this isn’t just a United States event. It is happening throughout the world and most of the startups are headed up by women.
I think the cultural paradigm of what our mid-life and beyond should look like has been changing for a while. It started with the way we dress, how we take care of our skin and bodies. That old phrase, “50 is the new 30,” was created a good while ago. Beth Djalali who owns and runs Style of a Certain Age has a huge following and is very successful!
So, how does this cultural talk relate to listening to your heart? Your heart knows what you really want to do, your heart knows what you will regret not trying in this lifetime.
I had to think through my actions, choices, and motivations
Sitting in my big gorgeous renovated but lonely home during COVID forced me to embrace the quiet time to think through what I had done, the decisions I had made and what motivated it all. I had to be vulnerable with myself to admit my mistake, face the emotional motivators that had led me to a highbrow but lonely neighborhood in the “City of Lakes.”
First came the location question. Boston and Paris were the cities that healed me after my divorce. I couldn’t get back to Paris until COVID had lessened, but I faced the fact that for my emotional health, I needed to return to Boston.
I had to get vulnerable enough with myself to admit I had left a city that energized me and moved to a city that has sad memories around every corner because I was chasing a fantasy. And that fantasy wasn’t even what I really wanted for my kids. They both found lovely new partners, and what mother doesn’t want that for her kids? Yes, they have incredibly busy lives, as did I when I was their ages. That’s how life works.
So, if you are questioning a move of some kind, get quiet and allow your inner wisdom to be heard. Is it a different home you want, a different city or state? Or is it that you need to reconfigure the home you are in? Can you repurpose a rarely used guest bedroom? Could you turn a garden shed into your business studio? Anne LaFollette, who I highlighted in one of the EW magazine issues runs a very successful surface design business, Anne LaFollette Art. She took over part of her garage and turned it into her office! Listen to what is behind the move… is it part of the next version of you? What could be possible?
Next was the question about my business. I had to spend a good amount of time thinking through options and imagining something new and different. I realized I loved my split locations of the USA and Paris, but that meant very different time zones. For my coaching work to continue that would mean working nights, and that just didn’t feel like a balanced life to me.
It was then that I connected back to what I loved to do and was good at doing, and the magazine and podcast idea appeared.
Write down what you love and what you’re good at
So, my recommendation for you is to do a mind map – write down all the things you love to do, and what you are really good at doing. Ask your good girl friends for input. They’ll have a perspective of you that you can’t possibly see.
Then, take those skills and loves… and ask yourself, what different ways could they be utilized? Remember, the best and most successful businesses evolve out of the passion of their founders. Surprisingly, it is not what would appear to be the most sensible or logical business to start… besides, you already did that when you took your first job after college.
I had to have many “heart listening” moments to get to my answers and you will, too.
Throughout the process, remember your heart always knows the truth of any question.
What I especially love about heart messages is that the message is wrapped up in kindness and love. It’s not the nasty, self-judging that sometimes our imposter syndrome brings out. Your heart messages are kind… truthful, but kind.
You might hear things like…
“Yes, that was a lovely relationship for that time, but it no longer works for you, is no longer healthy for you.”
“Yes, you chased that fantasy because you wanted to feel safe, feel loved, feel connected… understandable, but you couldn’t have seen how others would react or the decisions that the others would make. Don’t beat yourself up, move on.”
“Yes, you took that job because it seemed like the logical, most sensible thing for you to do at the time, but it is keeping you from doing what it is you really want to do, are really capable of doing and it is time you try on something different.”
How do we get the messages from our hearts?
Get yourself out into nature. Nature gives us the enveloping energy to hear the wisdom of our inner selves. Take a walk into nature all by yourself. Sit and look at the ducks on the creek or the gardens around your park bench. Watch the bees and insects, listen to the birds chirping. Let yourself get quiet enough to hear the wisdom of your heart.
Be open. Be open to new or even contrary ideas… maybe you’ll be asked to consider something you’ve never before thought you’d do. Welcome in all the ideas. You don’t have to make a decision right in that moment… just listen.
Pull back from the details of your life and observe the big picture – the 2-hour movie with you as the lead character in your past, present and future life! Let yourself watch that movie… what are you doing? What have you been doing that you no longer need to be doing? Where are you? Who are you interacting with? Just watch, listen, and feel your body as you watch your movie.
As Paulo Coelho said…
“Remember that wherever your heart is …. there you will find your treasure. “
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