Episode 80: Dealing with Disappointment
Life is never always a bowl of cherries, is it? Rarely are we happy, joy-filled every single day. There are times in our lives when the disappointments, hurts, those unchosen (but required) new beginnings happen in our lives.
Today, we’re going to talk about how to move through those disappointments that can put huge roadblocks in your emotional well-being and consequently, get in the way of you doing and creating what you want.
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Welcome back to the Extraordinary Women podcast. I’m Sharri Harmel, Founder and Editor of the Extraordinary Women Magazine – the must-have digital magazine for women looking for inspiration, tips, and support to create their fabulous next chapter… and make their dream ideas happen.
In both the Extraordinary Women magazine and this podcast, I share stories of women who are not celebrities, but women like you and me who have chosen to create and live lives of true authenticity and passion with a focus on doing, making, creating.
But the magazine has much more than interviews. Like this podcast, it also has coaching tips, ideas, insights and even a dose of inspiration to help you to create YOUR amazing and extraordinary next chapter, project, or business.
Life is short so let’s get started making this year our best ever.
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Episode 80: Dealing with Disappointment
Disappointment makes us question all our decisions
Back to the discussion on disappointments. What often happens when we’re dealing with a disappointment, whether it’s big or small, is those disappointments make us question EVERY decision we’ve EVER made! It’s as though a disappointment happen, and up pops up a movie in our minds that plays out every single bad decision, choice, or even failure we’ve ever had in our lives.
Let me give you a very minor example. When I came out of my divorce, I’ll be the first to say I was needy. I was needy for friends, I was needy for a social group, I was needy to feel a part of a tribe of sorts. Now when we have needs, and in my case looking for a tribe without any sort of discernment, we will attract people who probably unconsciously sense a perfect opportunity for them. Maybe that sounds weird to some of you, but you take one person who is needy and wants so badly to be enveloped in a tribe… what do they attract? People out there who like to be the hero, the center of attention, the strong one, the dominate one.
Then, what often happens, is as the needy person becomes healthier, they start to push against the dominating friend, they want a bit of the limelight too – and that will create relationship problems.
My friendships since my divorce have clearly reflected this pattern. I’m digressing a bit, but in a minute, you’ll understand the example. I’ve done a LOT of work on myself post-marriage and last summer a friendship I had had for five or so years blew up. At the time, I didn’t know what was going on, but in retrospect, I realize I had started to grab a little of the light by talking about my own successes and skills, and I probably adored this friend a little less and the friendship ended.
Fast forward to the other day… and the negatives of phone apps. In a group that myself and this former friend are a part of, I suddenly had all these alerts pop up on my phone. It was a text exchange between this former friend and her “new best friend.” Someone my former friend had negatively spoken of for years to me. But now it was a love fest of friendship.
For about 30 minutes after reading that exchange, I was incredibly sad and disappointed.
What were my thoughts?
I wondered what I had done wrong that our friendship ended. I wondered if the new best friend had any idea about all the snarky comments said about her by her new best friend. Then I turned inward. I went so far as to think, maybe Sharri, you’re not a good friend to ANYONE. I bathed in self-pity and negative self-judgement.
Disappointments can stop our desire to move forward!
That took about 30 minutes until I woke up. My deep desire for truthful relationships had a strong talking with my small but still a little needy side. In the corporate world we use to call strong honest conversations as a “come to Jesus’ conversation.” Why? I have no idea, but I was having one with myself!! I reminded myself that I only want real and truthful friends in my life. I’m finished trying to accommodate people who hide their real selves behind multiple curtains of pretensions. So, who cares what is going on within this specific group? These are not your peeps and therefore it doesn’t matter that you have been excluded from their party. Just do you Sharri.
I thought about this 30-minute experience, and I realized how powerful disappointments can stop us in our desire to keep moving forward, keep marching towards whatever it is that you are trying to create and do.
So, let me share a process that works.
Let yourself be sad that something didn’t happen. Let yourself feel the disappointment.
Everyone who has a child who was graduating or in school or at university, knows just how intensely disappointed our kids are over not being in school due to covid. Their disappointment is real and so is yours, so let yourself acknowledge and feel disappointed.
Observe your negative generalizations.
You’ll hear things like, “You never should have hired that person. You moved for all the wrong reasons. Of course, that didn’t work out, nothing every does! You didn’t do your homework on that person, that job, that idea. You said the wrong things, you made something a big deal that you shouldn’t have.”
If it helps, pull out a piece of paper and write down every negative statement that is going through your head.
Switch sides of “the courtroom in your head,” because it’s time for you to bust all those negative statements.
If you are talking out loud, walk to a different place in the room or sit in a different chair to have this conversation. That can actually help!
If you wrote down a list of the negatives, now make a list of what’s really true. “Yes, that relationship ended but this is what I learned from it. Yes, that business idea didn’t turn out to be what I expected, but I’ve taken the idea in a new direction that has much more potential. Yes, I learned that I’m not a detail-oriented person and I now know I need to hire someone who is good at details.”
Counter the negative generalizations!
So, that third step is all about countering every single negative generalization you’ll make about yourself when you experience disappointment. As you go through this step, you’ll quickly realize that your negative generalizations are just hooey. They have no basis of truth in them…and often they are old beliefs and old stories still hanging around.
Remember I said even after all the work I’m done on myself post-marriage, that there is a small part of me that is still needy? We can re-write our stories and work on our beliefs but be kind to yourself. You are a combination of every talent, skill, and experience in your life and therefore when disappointments happen, some of those untrue old generalizations will show up.
The bottom line though is that you alone control how you deal with your disappointments.
Acknowledge the disappointment.
Observe all the negative generalizations you’ll make.
Tackle the negative generalizations with truth.
Notice and acknowledge all the positives that come the disappointment.
I’m going to close with a quote that showed up in my in-box the day I had my “come to Jesus” conversation with myself.
The Dalai Lama said,
“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
Thank you for joining me today. If you liked our conversation, please give me a review, and do come back for more!
Now let me ask you…
How is your year going? Are you ready to do it different this year? Well, the Extraordinary Women Magazine Circle is just what you need IF … you are committed to making this THE year you get started on your dream, the business, the project.
Yes, we always highlight two Extraordinary Women in each issue. Not the famous or the celebrity but women like you, who have stepped into their big dreams by creating something special. Extraordinary Women who are doing ordinary things.
But in our April issue, at the request of our fabulous subscribers, I added a whole lot more coaching tips into the magazine. I love that our subscribers tell us what they want, and the feedback was they wanted more of what they can apply and use in their own life and career.
I’ve been a coach for over 20 years, and I’ve now added into the magazine some of my best actionable steps, strategies and even exercises that you can use today as you create the life you want.
So, if you are a woman ready to get moving on your big, audacious dream, go to extraordinarywomenmagazine.com and join us.
Thank you for your precious time today… your time is your most important resource in creating your dream life. I am currently in Paris, so I’ll say à bientôt. And to everyone back in the states, I’ll say “See you soon!”
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