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It is almost 2021….let’s all take a deep breath. Phew….2020 was an amazing year. We learned so much about ourselves, our partners, our friends, our careers…. how to be alone, how to be quiet, how to create boundaries.

I’m sure all of you have already started to make that list of what you want to accomplish in 2021.

I love that….and I’m sure your list is as long and interesting as mine. Honestly, one of my favorite things to do is imagine what could be, to answer the “what if” question.

But…as it often does, life happens. Stuff gets in the way. We talk ourselves out of things. We put things off, postpone our dreams yet again.  By March, the list we made the end of December or beginning of January, gets shoved in a drawer, whether literally or figuratively. By June, many of us can’t even remember what was on the list.

If 2020 taught me anything, it was that I need to be more intentional. I learned that to slow down every single day and reflect on the decisions and choices that I made that day, helped me enormously to stay on track and move forward on the goals I had for myself.

And ladies, what is it that always seems to get in the way of our dreams?

Our thoughts. How we think, what we think and what we tell ourselves are the key to whether we put those dreams and plans in the someday drawer or actively work on them today.

Now you all know that my work is around Loving The Real You and you might be wondering how that relates to this conversation on mindset. That’s a very good question!

When you love yourself, the real you, the most important activity of your day will be that 10 minutes you spend reviewing whether the choices and decisions you made that day, support your dreams and the life you want to live. Those 10 minutes will ensure that your days are not spent doing or being what someone else wants you to be.

Today, we’re going to talk about uncovering why it is you engage in sabotaging thinking and negative self-talk, and how to switch them up so you can achieve whatever it is you really want in your life.

First, we have to dive a little deeper into how our brains work and specifically what I call our lizard or reptilian brain. This is the oldest part of our brain and in charge of important things like breathing and heart rate. 

But and this is super important to our dreams, the lizard brain also has the additional job of keeping us safe.

Because this part of our brain has existed since the beginning of mankind, our lizard brains were once running the entire show because humans lived in a physically very unsafe world. 

Fast forward to the present, and thankfully, most of us don’t have life or death situations appear every day.  But that part of our brain is still actively working. It has just shifted where it sees risk.

Because this part of our brain likes causality and uses past experiences to determine risk, it really dislikes anything new. To our lizard brain, New = Risky.

Doing something new, especially those things that maybe we’re a little afraid of, stretched, or feel nervous to do, are especially concerning to our lizard brains.

This part of our brain wants us to stay home, stay in the job, sit on the sofa, eat what you’ve always eaten, do what you’ve always done and surround yourself with the people you’ve always had around you. No matter if any of those are positive or negative.

When you try to give up bad habits, negative people, doing the same thing over and over, your lizard brain will use self-talk to pull you back into what is familiar and therefore comfortable.

But before you wonder why we need our lizard brains…. remember, it is also the part of you that sends the message that someone or something isn’t safe. Sometimes those intuitive messages will come from the lizard brain.

I remember getting off the subway at night, at the stop closest to my apartment in Boston, which required me to walk down a street that at night was a hangout for addicts, thieves and verbally explosive people. Whenever I walked down that street at night, my lizard brain was completely activated. Even though my body language communicated a strong, fast walking, no-nonsense woman, my senses were all activated. My lizard brain told me where to walk on that street and who to avoid. My lizard brain kept me safe.

But walking down a dark and scary street isn’t an everyday or all day happening, so what does our lizard brain do with the rest of the time? It looks for other ways that you might be putting yourself at risk and it steps in to protect you.

Ladies, negative self-talk comes from this part of your brain.

Self-sabotaging but familiar habits come from this part of your brain.

People-pleasing comes from this part of your brain.

Basically, almost all dream and goal busting behaviors come from this part of your brain.

Here is an example of the lizard brain’s self-talk…                            

Don’t try to accomplish that…. it’ll never work, and you’ll end up disappointed and sad.

Not only does the lizard brain want to keep you physically safe, but it also wants to keep you emotionally comfortable. We can all admit that trying new things makes us uncomfortable.

Failure is a huge safety risk to our lizard brains and when you write down some of your ideas for your big, audacious goal for 2021, your lizard brain will most likely try to talk you out of it.

But what about new habits and new tasks?

ANYTHING new- even if good for us such as your new years resolutions, which could include healthy eating program, maybe a meditation schedule, a new exercise program, getting started on your new business…. ALL these resolutions will make your lizard brain nervous. 

The lizard brain likes sameness and familiarity. It doesn’t have the ability to logically work through what’s positive or negative for you.  Other parts of your brain do that…. So, it’s primary focus is to avoid anything that might be new even if it is good for you! 

Unless you find a way to calm down your lizard brain and create a new comfort level, it will want you to stick with whatever it is that you have been doing and surround yourself with all the same people.

So, your first task is to calm down your lizard brain.

This is the gift of positive affirmations and why they actually work.

The more you tell yourself this new project, idea or habit will be good for you, and you’ll be successful at doing it, the more likely you will calm down and even retrain your lizard brain that your new behavior or task isn’t anything scary.

Yes, positive self-talk does work.

Positive affirmations and self-talk also change up our beliefs about ourselves- what we believe we can accomplish and even who we are.  I teach the importance of positive affirmations and several other great mindset shifting tools in my Mindset to Joie de Vivre course. 

These tools access the newer parts of our brain (like the logical and even creative parts of our brains) to help to moderate our lizard brain.  That is the best way for you to successfully achieve those 2021 resolutions! 

Here is your task.

Once you have your list for 2021 with that big, audacious goal in front of you…. ask yourself what are the obstacles that are going to get in my way? What are the behaviors, patterns and beliefs are going to keep me from moving forward or trip me up along the way?

One I often hear from my clients, “I might be successful for a few weeks, but I always give up around week six.”

If that sounds like you, make a plan to counter what usually happens in week six.

Ask yourself, how can I get the support I need to continue long after week six?

What can I do to try to avoid my resignation of failing around week six and bolster myself to stick with my goal?

What can I incorporate in week five that will calm any negative behaviors or thoughts?

We all can hear the whisper of “this won’t work” before we give up. So, plan ahead.

Reward systems work for me. I need little celebrations along the way to keep me motivated and committed to whatever it is I want to change. Sometimes, it’s just getting positive feedback and encouragement from the people around me.

So, create those affirmations, use your strengths to counter your weaknesses, and make little plans to support yourself as you make the changes you want to have in your life.

Remember, loving the real you means you give yourself whatever amount of support you need to achieve that big crazy goal you have for 2021.

Another negative pattern I often hear is, “When I experience any amount of failure or get stuck, I usually just give up and return to my old habits.”

Again, you know yourself better than anyone else does, so ask yourself what is it you need to have in place so you can positively navigate those little bumps in the road?  And there are always bumps! What would help you to not give up?

There are two very important supports that can help.

The first, is accountability. Those who achieve their goals always have someone they are accountable to. I think an accountability coach or partner is probably the most important support you’ll ever give yourself.  Very few people are so self-disciplined that they never need anyone to hold them accountable. Oh my, I’d get absolutely nothing done if I didn’t have my own coach who helps me create a structure I have to follow through on and holds me accountable to complete it.

Second, we need a community of like-minded people who are all focused on supporting each other through similar issues. We learn from each other and as people, we do much better in groups than we do in isolation. Plus, everyone needs a cheerleader!

Both of these important supports will be part of my new course, Mindset to Joie de Vivre, which I’m launching the first week of February.

I have built into that course weekly live group coaching calls as well as a private Facebook group to make sure you have both the accountability and support you need to move forward on your goals and stick to them so you can be the woman you were meant to be in the world.

If you’d like to learn more about the course, go to sharriharmel.com/courses and join the waitlist for the course. I’ll be having a couple of free webinars the end of January to give you a taste of what the course will be like so if you get on my waitlist, you’ll be the first to hear about those free webinars.

Ladies, in summary…

Take that big audacious goal you have for 2021 and write it on the first page of your 2021 journal.

Now that you know how your lizard brain operates and why it hates changes, you know you have to find ways to calm your lizard brain and convince it this new plan will be fun rather than scary.

So, make a list of the obstacles that could get in the way of you achieving that goal.

Next to each obstacle, write in what supports you are going to put in place to calm your lizard brain.

Have the positive affirmations in place and start using them so you can retrain your self-talk.

Have supportive people scheduled in to bolster your spirits when you are feeling ready to quit. Find yourself an accountability partner who will hold you accountable to do what you say you are going to do.

Last, I’d love to see you in my Mindset to Joie de Vivre course. Mindset is THE key to achieving whatever it is that you want for 2021!

As the writer Mark Twain said….

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the
things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So, sail away from the safe harbor.”

Ladies Be well. Stay curious and be brave.

A bientôt

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