Welcome to the Extraordinary Women Podcast. This is Episode #112. 

I’m your host Sharri Harmel and I’m the editor as well as the chief creative of the Extraordinary Women Magazine. 

Today I’m going to talk about getting the answers for what’s next for you from your body instead of your mind….and problems, specially which to focus on and which to leave behind. 

So let’s get started….

It doesn’t matter whether you want to start a business of your own or re-start your life in a new direction, it takes some getting ready before the new you arrives. 

First, it is key that you make sure what you are thinking of doing, is authentic and real for you. This sounds so easy…you make your lists, you imagine what it will be like, but the most critical way you can really learn if what you are planning is aligned with who you really are, is to check how that new plan feels in your body. To do that, you have to turn off your mind (no simple feat) and listen to the messages coming from your body. 

So many of us march down certain paths, sure that it is something we want to do. We are a goal-oriented people, and we are often told, if you make a plan to get to the goal and work the plan, you’ll make it happen. What isn’t talked about much, is how we can often have goals that really aren’t aligned with our true selves. 

But does that matter? Believe it or not, there is scientific research that proves telling ourselves lies, or even little fibs, will actually make us sick. Louise Hay was a pioneer in this area. Her books- You Can Heal Your Life and You Can Heal Your Body were groundbreaking at the time because she made the connection between our thoughts and the health of our bodies. 

So, I want you to be sure whatever it is you want to create in your next chapter, is really what you want…is something that is true for you. Not what sounds good, not what is maybe enviable to others, not out of the revenge statement of I’ll show you- but right and aligned with who you really are. 

In my long coaching career, I have coached so many women through connecting with what they really want rather than going the path of the expectations of family, societal, or culture. And ladies, as women, we tend to do this much more often than men. 

What is important about this process though, this unearthing of what you really want and whether it aligns with the real you, are because choosing a path or living life that is all wrong for you or isn’t what you really want, will eventually make you sick. Therefore, saying I’ll get to that, or someday I’ll do that has consequences far beyond what seems like a tiny decision to put off your dream a while longer. 

Some of you know, I moved back to Minneapolis a year before covid because I had convinced myself that my children needed me. See, even the coach needs a coach. I even had the fantasy that maybe I could repair my relationship with my parents. It was all about being the good, maybe even perfect mother and daughter. 

Once I made the decision though, I struggled to tell my friends. I found I couldn’t change my location for my business, or my social media. If I had stopped for 5 minutes, turned off my mind and asked my body, whether this is something I really want to do, it would have been a clear no. But off I went. Once there, I realized I was shrinking inside myself. Too much of the pain of the past, my marriage, my family issues, all in Minnesota, were like putting on a lead filled cloak and trying to dance. Impossible right? 

So, when Covid was over and my house sold, I returned to Boston. Once back in Boston, I found myself smiling more, feeling silly more often, excited just to spend an hour walking through neighborhoods or along the harbor. My body was happy again, even if my head said very loudly, that was a very expensive mistake! So, not the best financial decision but I knew in my body Boston was the right place for me to keep growing my roots. 

Believe me when I say, letting yourself feel your options is the most important barometer you can use as you work through your decisions about what’s right for your next chapter. 

Now what if you’re stuck…and let me tell you, we all get stuck. The real issue is choosing to stay stuck, so let’s dive into those problems that keep us stuck. As you may or may not know, I am certified in the Designing your Life coaching program, based on the amazing book and process by the same name, created by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, two engineering professors at Stanford University. Having engineer minds, Bill and Dave identified two different types of problems and this is key for you. 

The first type of problems is what they call gravity problems. These are the problems that you can’t do anything about. They might sound like this – My boss is a jerk. I like the woman or man my son or daughter is living with but I’m not sure she or he’s the one for him. Another might be, bummer, my partner no longer wants to travel but I do. We can go on…The weather, the economy, the political situation, etc. None of these are problems that you can do anything about. 

Why? Because they are not really YOUR problems! And how do you know? Ask yourself, can you solve them? Can you make your boss emotionally healthy? Can you make your husband travel? Can you do anything about the economy? No. And if you waste your time trying to solve gravity problems, you’ll be incredibly frustrated because you’ll get nowhere. 

Now conversely, the other type of problem are those problems that are within your control. Problems that you can do something about and impact the outcome. Taking those same examples…you can’t make your boss emotionally healthier but whether you choose to continue working for him or her is your decision. As for who your adult children love and marry – that is their journey. Sharing your thoughts and opinions will only alienate you from your child. And if your partner doesn’t want to travel, but you do, aren’t you are fully capable of finding great travel groups and partners? It will feel much more productive if you focus on the problems, you actually have some control over. Let those other problems go….

Now if you are a little confused about these two types of problems, a good question to ask yourself when you are feeling stuck and ruminating a problem over and over…. Can I solve the problem? Is this my problem to solve? You’ll get an answer right away. 

Your next question will be- what is actually in my control? For example, Do I stay or leave? How can I find people to travel with? What kind of business do I want to start? What do I want to be doing in my life’s next chapter? The answers to all those questions are yours to answer and depend on no one, other than yourself to do something or change something so you can make it happen. These are the problems you want to spend your time on. 

It’s easy to find gravity problems to focus on…they are all around us. Sometimes we might also like to focus on gravity problems because they are all about what everyone else needs to be doing better or differently, rather than ourselves, and this is a great distraction from feeling the fear of something new.

Fear is always with us. Think about it. You’ve planned a wonderful trip. You’ve got the restaurant reservations, the excursions, the people, and places you want to check out. And yet, in the car heading for the airport, or in that airport security line, who doesn’t get a little nervous? So yes, we can all feel that little tinge of fear right before we leave for a new destination, even if we are headed to a place of our dreams. Well, creating a better and more amazing next chapter might be the biggest adventure of your life thus far… and even though you’ve done the work, know that this is what you really want, know that place where you want to be in the next year… you are going to feel fear. 

Going back to our first discussion about letting your body tell you if you are on the right path, which doesn’t mean choose what gives you no fear. When you feel not a bit of fear, you are probably in that place of doing what you’ve done many times or many years before. It’s comfortable, you can do it without thinking. Going back to the trip metaphor, when you travel to a place you regularly travel to, you feel minimal fear. 

So, if you aren’t nervous, aren’t feeling even a twinge of fear, ask yourself if that dream is too small … too safe. And if you feel fear, welcome it. Celebrate it! Feeling the fear means you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone into creating that fabulous next chapter you so want. 

In conclusion, 

When you sit down to write out your dream, let yourself feel the dream and listen to your body. Your body knows in many ways, more intuitively than your mind…exactly what needs to be in your next chapter and what doesn’t fit with the real you. 

Next- write out what you think are your biggest problems or issues to get to where you want to be….and then identify whether those problems are in your control to solve or if they are gravity problems that you need to let go of….

If it’s a gravity problem that’s got you stuck, once you realize you have no control over the outcome or resolution of that problem, you’ll actually feel the shift in your body- and that shift will give your mind the permission to stop ruminating about it and move to a problem within your control. Those are the fun problems. 

Today I’m going to leave you with a quote I love. The writer is anonymous but it’s so good as it relates to creating your fabulous next chapter. 

The time will pass anyway. You can either spend it creating the life you want or spend it living the life you don’t want. The choice is yours. 

_______

Thank you for listening today and as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts…. remember your feedback guides the conversations we have on this Extraordinary Women Podcast.

Take good care and à bientôt.

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