Podcast Episode 43: BAM! Now What? - Extraordinary Women Magazine

Hi ladies and welcome to Episode 43 of The Be Real Women Podcast.

I titled this episode Bam! Now what? (and you need the sound effects!)

That was loud, right?

But life is never just filled with goodness and fun. Sometimes you get what I call a BAM! Event.

Remember Emeril Lagasse’s cooking show? He would go along with cooking something yummy and suddenly out of the blue he would yell BAM! And with his hand held high, he’d throw some spice into the dish.

That BAM! Is sort of how life sometimes works.

Everything is going along just fine – you’re moving forward on your BIG goals in life and….

Then BAM! You get hit by someone or something that takes you totally off your path.

That recently happened to me. Someone I love had a hissy fit and she said things that made me cry. For two days, what she had said hung on me like a heavy cape of sadness. I was stuck.

This happens to all of us. It isn’t always a family member or a friend who makes statements that cut you to the quick. It can also be that colleague who finds ways to make you feel insignificant or works behind your back to promote themselves even though you’re on the same team.

What you probably feel (I know I did) when that happens is anger. I always have the desire to set the record straight. I want to defend myself and tell the person who hurt me – you are wrong. That is our natural reaction. And yet we all know that if we do that, we’ll get stuck -in the vortex of the experience – and probably with the person who hurt us as you try to get them to listen to the truth.

But I decided to make a better choice.

It just so happens that I was in the middle of reading Kristen Neff’s book titled Self-Compassion when my Bam moment occurred. Dr. Neff has a new book out titled Fierce Self-Compassion, but I actually like her first book better. Dr. Neff is all about the importance of self-compassion and how critical it is to our sense of happiness and well-being. Even more than self-esteem! Dr. Neff points out that the opposite of self-compassion is self-judgement.

I took a deep breath because I realized the connection between what I was reading – with what I was feeling after my family member lobbed her Bam! Attack my direction but how many times do I think or say similar mean things to myself? How often do I critique myself with all that I should have done, or could have done?

Do I stop myself and recognize that those thoughts in my head are just as untrue as the accusations of my not very nice family member?

No.

Then I started to think, well, if I’m harshly judging myself, aren’t I doing exactly the same thing to myself as this hurtful family member? Of course, I am!

Yet, I was still stuck and couldn’t get my head around self-compassion. When I think of self-compassion, I imagine crawling into bed and pulling the covers up. Dr. Neff made the connections between self-compassion and boundaries, and it has nothing to do with hiding out in bed. She explained that because women are culturally encouraged to be giving, listening and caring, having good, solid boundaries are probably the most significant gift we as women can give ourselves.

Now …. self-compassion starts to make some sense to me, and I hope to you too.

Building self-esteem can sometimes feel fleeting. Affirmations can work, but as I discuss in my Recapture Your Joy mini course, the brain knows if your affirmations are real or just hooey and for affirmations to work, they have to be believable to your brain.

In contrast, if building self-compassion is connected to having really good boundaries, now every one of you and me, has something to can work on.

Start with those people in your life that make your life difficult. It might be a family member but it can also be a colleague at work. I had one client- a very smart, high level professional who talked about an exceptionally difficult colleague. When I asked how she dealt with that person, my client said she tried her hardest to be warm and friendly, even sent emails encouraging collaboration, but got nothing in return.

We talked about ending the chase as I called it, and when she stopped chasing the difficult colleague with kindness, she immediately noticed a big change in the dynamics between them. Even more important, she no longer invested any of her precious time thinking about the difficult colleague. By focusing on her own boundaries, my client actually neutralized her emotions around that very difficult colleague.

Boundaries are powerful ladies and my client’s decision to create boundaries for herself in her interactions with her colleague was a beautiful example of how she valued her own self-compassion over trying to gain the engagement of her colleague.

In my own situation, I chose to send a nice loving email to my loved one, and expressed sympathy for her misplaced opinions, but I didn’t engage by explaining or defending. I honored my own boundaries with this person. New behavior that feels darn good.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that self-compassion in the form of boundaries is THE best way to deal with life’s challenges and especially those BAM! Moments.

And let’s not forget about the most important boundaries, which are the ones you set for yourself. Negative self-talk is not invited to the table….don’t give negative thoughts ANY of your time.

What would you say if someone said to you…

“You don’t stick to anything….you’re no better than anyone else at that…..love just isn’t in the cards for you?”

Oh my, you’d shut them down and walk away, right?

And yet, many of us regularly let ourselves fill our heads with similar thoughts.

Not any more.

Your task is to monitor your thoughts and put up boundaries when you say things to yourself that aren’t kind, aren’t supportive and even downright cruel.

Have a mantra to end those comments if you notice them creeping into your thoughts.

Cancel! Only loving thoughts are spoken here!!

Just like the unhappy family member or the troubled colleague, negative comments you say to yourself are rarely based in truth so embrace self-compassion. Love your boundaries, and especially those boundaries you have with your own thoughts and self-talk.

Remember….

You are smart. You are kind. You are special. There will never ever be another you. You are the amazing and unique, one of a kind, you.

So your homework for this week is to check in on your boundaries- especially around those who are triggering you or making your life uncomfortable. This might be the most compassionate activity you can engage in this week.

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Take care and see you soon.

Bon Journée!