Podcast Episode #20: It's Time to Stretch... and I Don't Mean Spandex!

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I don’t know about you, but something is in the air. Everyone I speak with these days is tired of their old patterns and ready for something new. It’s like we are all little chicks, wanting to break out of our shells.

I hope you’ve identified your BIG Audacious Dream for 2021.

Start your own business.

Get fit and healthy.

Be a published author.

Become financially independent.

But often, nothing happens after we write out the dream. You might look at it from time to time, but most often, people will put it on a shelf for some day…. maybe next year….

When your dreams don’t happen, it is usually because you have no idea how to get there.

That means you can’t identify the NEW behaviors and choices you must make for your dream to come true.

I want this to end. Life is too short. Enough with the dreams that never happen. Enough with the vision boards and passively waiting for a fairy godmother.

Let’s get honest and figure this out.

To make dreams happen, you must show up differently. You must create new habits. You must make different choices and behaviors.

Making dreams happen is about taking action, it’s about new behaviors. Great masterpieces weren’t created without practice….and practice requires you take action and try different ways of getting to the dream.

Here’s an example of what NOT to do…. some of you might be able to relate.

Back when I was married, for years I had the dream that I would write a book. A memoir at one point and then it morphed into a fiction idea. I was very clear on the dream, even focused on the dream and that was to be a published author.

I put that dream on my vision board or several vision boards over the years.

But I did nothing different in my life to get that book written.

Yes, I journaled. In fact, I usually journaled every day.

But because I never wanted to disrupt my role in my family- mother first, wife second, me far down the ladder of importance… nothing happened other than filling up journals.

I’d THINK about how I was going to do to get the book written….

Maybe I could get up early or stay up late, but that didn’t happen. Maybe I’d write while cooking dinner, helping my daughter with her homework, sitting in my car waiting for my daughter’s tutoring session to end.

None of it happened.

Because honestly, I never changed any of my behaviors to get that book written.

My problem was, and many of you can relate, is that I had a dream, but I did not change one single behavior in my life to bring me closer to that dream. So, in reality, I didn’t commit to doing what it was going to take to get me to my big dream.

If you took my Mindset Superpower quiz, this is where Stationary Planners and Someday Dreamers get stuck. One is great at coming up with the dream and the other is great at taking steps, but neither mindset superpower connects behaviors to dreams.

Dreams will remain dreams if we don’t take any actions. Dreams are lovely…. it’s fun to imagine yourself plunked right into the middle of your dream. Dreams aren’t scary at all. It’s like watching a really good movie.

But, to move forward towards our dreams, we must create what I call a behavioral plan to take action on our dreams.

And this always requires that some behavior in our life must change.

It is the stretch behaviors we must embrace every single day, that are the required ingredient to make a dream come true.

But these stretch behaviors require change and that can be very scary.

This is where many coaching programs miss the mark. Finding your purpose, your north star, your why, are all wonderful and very needed. But we must get moving and so many of my clients share that acting and changing behaviors is the most difficult part.

Because Change is scary.

I had great fun imagining myself to be the woman in my dreams, but I stayed in the same place, and did all the same behaviors.

I would never become a writer if all I did was try to squeeze in a little time to write somewhere in my already existing life.

I really didn’t change any behaviors and ladies It’s the BIG behavior changes that truly stretch you towards your dreams….

Here are a few examples of behavior changes my clients came up with….

Eliminate sugar for one week and then another.

Write one blog per week and post it! (Posting it was key)

Write 1000 words/day for one week…and then another.

And what do you notice here?

All the Big behavior changes are one week at a time.

Why? Because if you are like most people, if you give yourself TWO weeks, you won’t start it until one week has passed.

How will you know if the new behavior you are going to embrace is a stretch?

You’ll know if when you write down that new behavior, put it in your schedule AND share it…. you feel sick to your stomach.

I’m not kidding.

Here’s an example.

I’ve now been divorced for almost 8 years. I did the work to put myself back together, which frankly took me years. Recently, I’ve decided I want to explore finding my someone special. Now this isn’t a new dream. I’ve had this dream almost since my divorce was final. Several photographs of lovely men have shown up on my vision boards, and all of them look sort of like Carey Grant. Gosh, give me a man with cufflinks and nice shoes and I go weak at the knees. So, I’m going to call my dream man, Mr. Grant. Now I’ve even spent loads of time identifying what Mr. Grant was going to be like- his characteristics, his values, hobbies, likes and dislikes.

I spent all that time thinking about how great it was going to be when Mr. Grant showed up in my life. In reality though, I did nothing but dream. I didn’t join new clubs, take up a new hobby, ask friends for set ups, or even join a dating site. I was delusional but I had watched the Secret and thought if I imagine him, he will magically show up at my door!

Needless to say, Mr. Grant has never showed up at my door.

Why? Because none of my behaviors had changed. Sundays with Masterpiece theatre was my favorite evening. My dinners out were infrequent and usually with my son and soon to be daughter-in-law. Even in Paris, I’d have a book or a journal with me whenever I made a café stop. My best friend found her sweetie while sitting in a café in Paris, so why not me?

I did I have a BIG dream, but there wasn’t even a spark happening in that area of my life.

The problem was, I changed none of my behaviors because I was afraid to get uncomfortable.

This past week, something changed. I got honest with myself and realized that my Mr. Grant dream either needed to disappear OR I had to do something different. I knew I had to disrupt my current life to try to find my Mr. Grant. See coaches sometimes have to coach themselves!

Strangely, both my son and a good friend on different occasions over the past two weeks suggested I try out “It’s Just Lunch.” I took that as a sign. I went online, filled out my information and they called me two days later.

I have one zoom get acquainted date this weekend and another next week. Now, I don’t know if either of these men are my Mr. Grant, but I’m taking action and taking action is the only way to move towards a dream or write another dream.

But how do I know this was a stretch behavior?

After I was interviewed by the dating coach and paid the fee…. I was sick to my stomach with fear. Oh gosh…. what have I done? I actually had the shakes. It was like I had drank 3 espressos!

Then my old lizard brain stepped in…

This is too much work.

It’s not the right time.

Lose weight and then try to date.

You don’t really need this added stress. You’re just fine as you are….

Ladies…. if you create STRETCH behaviors to move you towards your dream, I promise you, you’ll hear from your lizard brain.

I suggest you laugh a little when you hear that voice inside of you. Your lizard brain just wants to coddle you in sameness and comfort even if you’re unhappy in that place. My lizard brain wants to keep me watching masterpiece on Sunday nights and avoid discomfort or god-forbid rejection at all costs. It is our lizard brains that revolt against Change. It is perceived as a risk to our survival.

So, when you step into your dreams and START your Stretch behaviors, even if they are good for you, they will be perceived as threats by your lizard brain.

And this is why so many of us, never get to our dreams.

Eliminant sugar from your diet? Your lizard brain will whine that it needs a pick me up.

Work out every other day, your lizard brain will say your body hurts too much, one little day off won’t matter.

Write every morning before you do anything else? Your lizard brain will say you need to check some emails, eat something, do it later.

So, if you’ve created a behavioral plan that involves certain actions every day and you’re unsure if these are truly stretch behaviors? Well, if there is no twinge felt in your body and your lizard brain is silent, then the action or change isn’t big or stretchy enough.

If that happens, go back and ask yourself, what would be the next step up in a behavior change.

And if your lizard brain is yelling and whining…. comfort it. Make it sort of a negotiating game.

For example, when my lizard brain freaked out over signing up for It’s Just Lunch, I comforted myself by saying…. this is just practice girlfriend.

You haven’t dated for a long time, so why not relearn the skill of dating and enjoy it.

Now you might be one of those women who is saying…. I don’t think I have it in me to make the changes needed to get me closer to my dream.

Let me ask you, what if you had written down a pre- COVID dream that you wanted to be home more, you wanted to get back to the simpler things in life and not feel so over-scheduled. Sounds like a good dream, right?

Well actually, let’s add up the behavior changes you made this past year. You’re working from home five days/week. If you have children, you are homeschooling them or monitoring their online schooling. You are doing meal planning and ordering your food once a week for delivery because you are now cooking every meal! If I had coached you to start those Stretch behaviors in February of 2020, you probably would have said “are you crazy? I can’t do all that!” And yet you have.

You have completed every one of those stretch behaviors and many more you could have never foreseen.

Some of you had to learn Zoom, most of you had to figure out how to live with fuzzy work and personal life boundaries. You made it through smaller holidays with seeing loved ones on a screen. You’ve learned to be okay with quiet if you live alone and lots of noise if you have kids.

I think we can confidently say that 2020 was a STRETCH YEAR! So, let’s just keep going….

Take your big dream for 2021.

And then ask yourself, what behaviors need to change TODAY so I begin to live a few steps closer to making MY dream a reality.

Not matter what it is…. maybe it’s starting a business or getting fit and healthy, ask yourself what dream supporting behaviors can I take today, tomorrow and this week. Write it in your calendar. Check in whether these are stretch behaviors or just comfortable. You now know how to do that. Remember, take it week by week. Practice is better than perfect.

And if those negative thoughts come up, remember it is only your very protective lizard brain, so calm it down.

One of my favorite quotes is by Caroline Myss…she says….

“You have resources yet to be unleashed.

Make bold courageous choices.

Live as though you have the power to change the world because you do.”

On Feb. 16, I’m launching a mini- course as a boost for you to make sure your choices and behaviors support your dreams for 2021 and beyond.

Recapture your Joie de Vivre or Joy of Living is taking place LIVE on three Tuesdays in February and March, beginning right after Valentine’s Day.

For those of you who may not know it, culturally the French view TODAY, THIS DAY, as much more important than planning out a future. The phrase Joie de vivre is all about living with joy today.

So, this course is perfect if you are struggling to come up with the new behaviors and choices that you need to step into your big dream.

We’ll be discussing a different topic each week – your self-esteem, your surroundings and how you spent your time. Every one of these is relevant to embracing the changes you need to make in 2021.

If you can’t be on live, no worries, because I’ll be recording the calls so you can listen when it works for your schedule.

Because of the financial difficulties COVID has created, I’ve decided to give you a very special discounted price! I know, totally crazy, but it’s my gift to YOU!

Now, I’ll never, ever offer this mini course at this price again, so don’t wait.

Go and sign up right now. Make this Valentine’s Day the first day of the rest of year, with you stepping in those behaviors and choices to make your big, extraordinary, and audacious goals for 2021 come true.

I’ve been a coach for over a decade now, having coached clients from corporate executives to university students – so this isn’t a new gig for me.

I know the issues and I know what works. In those three weeks, I’ll share several of my tried-and-true exercises that will help you to make this YOUR best year ever!

I hope to see you on February 16^th!

Come and join the party.

As always, thank you for listening and being on this journey with me. If you liked this podcast, please subscribe, and write me a review. Reviews do matter!

Bye for now….

A bientôt!