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Letting go of regrets is hard. Really hard.

I struggle with letting go of regrets myself. Honestly, it requires some hard work, but the benefit is life shifting!

A couple of reasons why we sometimes can’t let go of what could have been or wish had been. First, those thoughts are familiar, and we are comfortable with whatever is familiar even if it is super disempowering.

And second, and much more important is that if a regret just keeps on coming up, there is usually some sort of deeper, unresolved issue that’s causing you to not be able to let go of it.

Your task is to figure out what that is. Maybe you haven’t given yourself the time to grieve the career, the job, the relationship you have lost. But bringing awareness to what is underneath the regret that won’t go away, is what will actually help you to clear that regret out of your soul’s closet. 

Here’s an example….

I’m a woman of a certain age, and frankly, if I let myself, I could feel weighed down by all my regrets.

I regret staying married as long as I did, I regret leaving the investment world, I regret moving back to Minnesota, I regret relinquishing my son, and the biggy, all encompassing…. I regret loving so dang much….

But hanging onto regrets can fill up all the spaces in my head and heart and ultimately in my life. It’s like having a super full closet that you cannot stuff in one more pair of shoes or one more dress. Therefore, I’ve learned that I have to let them go or else, I won’t have the space for what I’m trying to create.

I see this happen over and over with so many of my clients. Maybe you can relate. You’ll feel like you’re making progress, and then, for no reason at all, that regret popped back up and you find yourself drawn back into the familiar of not letting go and almost obsessing over what could have been.

Those thoughts around the regret take up your free time, the space in your day when you pause to think about whether or not your dreams will ever come true. Again, imagine it is the closet of the soul … and you must make space for your dreams, or you will not ever have the extra space to work on them.

There is some very interesting research around regrets. It shows that we seem to be able to let go of the mistakes we’ve made much faster than a regret of what we didn’t do.

The opportunity, the relationship, the job that we did not take – are the hardest to let go of.  We can accept that we make mistakes, and yet, we will hold on to what could have been…. maybe forever.

If you noticed from my personal examples, each of the regrets I have to continually work hard to let go of, are all focused on what could have been or what I wished had been…

If I had left my marriage earlier … I could have found a loving partner. 

If I had not moved to Minnesota … I would not be in this situation of feeling stuck and wanting to flee. I would be feeling happier, and my business would have grown much faster if I had stayed in Boston.

The list goes on … but in every single example, what I am holding onto is what could have been or what I had wished had been.

So, let us talk about those “could have beens.”

First, I always say there is no crystal ball that could show us exactly what would have happened if we had taken a different path in our lives. The catch is, we think it would have been better.  However, we are human and therefore whatever path we take, things happen … both good and bad.

Second, fantasizing about what could have been doesn’t serve you. In fact, it is self-sabotaging. Those fantasies wishes or “could have been” are all about you comparing your current life to some sort of fantasy life or the life you wish you had had.

Now you know you’re comparing your real life to something as unrealistic as a movie or a great book of fiction. Not fair! Plus, remember that comparisons are the killers of your self-esteem and confidence, and that is especially true when compare yourself to some idealized, unreal life.

But we do it.

When I began to think about my move back to Minneapolis, both my daughter and my son were going through relationship losses. So, my move was an emotional decision based in love yes, but there was more.

And this was really important. I was drawn to a vision I had in my heart. I was going to create a home where my kids and grandkids would come and go, holidays would be filled with family around my table, and I would have a best friend relationship with my long-estranged sister. 

I now see that these wishes, and that vision were at their core, coming from losses I have experienced in my life and honestly had not completely accepted.

This is exactly why, when things did not work out like my unrealistic vision, Minneapolis, had suddenly become such a huge regret in my life, much bigger than a relocation.

Figuring out why you have remained so attached to what could have been, is so important, that you’ll never be able to find the benefits of the path you did take without gaining that understanding what you were really holding onto.

What happened to my regret?  It was only when I uncovered why I had really made the move, that I could see all kinds of wonderful benefits.

My daughter fell in love, married a great guy, and subsequently moved 60 miles away from me, and my son met a fabulous woman, and they have merged their two families, which now totals six children. My children and grandchildren are super, super busy and have little time for me, but they are ALL happy. That is exactly what a mother wants for her children. 

It’s important though to see that it was only when I was able to uncover the underlying wishes I had for this crazy move, that I could see that my Minneapolis move was actually wonderful.

I was there for both my kids when they needed me. In their hearts they already knew that but because I picked up my life and moved to Minneapolis, my love for them was unquestionable.

And because both of them have found loving partners with whom they are sharing their very busy lives, I can now return to my adopted hometown of Boston as well as my other life in Paris.

So, ladies, your task this week is to pull out your journal and write down your biggest life regrets. List them out.

Next, get really quiet and ask yourself, what are the deeper issues that are wrapped up in that wish or could have been life?  Is there something you haven’t totally let yourself mourn or grieve over?  Is it the loss of a partner, a career path, your dream of a family? What is it?

If there is any residual anger or sadness, that is your clue there is something you need to acknowledge and mourn. It is only when you do that that you can finally take that regret out of your soul’s closet and make room for your dreams.

For me it was family loss, and yet, when I look at the past two years, I see many versions of the creation of family. I reconnected with my best college friends under the guise of a book club, and once a month we sit around a table eating, talking and sharing our lives, wishes and dreams. These woman and others are my family.

If I had chosen to hold onto what could have been, then I would have kept myself from creating all the wonderful new happenings in my life.

I would not have scheduled my move back to Boston or created courses for women like you, and certainly not my BIG happening, which is the launch of my magazine, “Be the Real You.”

Being the real you means that you honor yourself, you take care of yourself regardless of those pressure-filled should of around you.

Once you uncover what is keeping you attached to a wish and subsequent regret, I promise you you’ll have so much more space inside you. Lots of room for you to get started on your dreams and create the big life that you desire.

So, ladies, let’s clean out our closets.

Now I mentioned I have news I want to share with you!

On April 1^st, my new digital magazine Be the Real You is going live!

This magazine is for women who are ready to step into their big dreams

And to do that, you have to be true, be authentic, be the real you….so you have the BIG life you deserve!

Articles will range from Interviews with successful women business owners, mindset tips, and conversations on topics such as

honoring and valuing your time,

ways to override any self-confidence and self-esteem issues that often get in our way as women,

as well as fun ways we as women can embrace joy and truly BE the Star in our own life!

This has been in the works for a while and I’m so incredibly excited to share it with you!

I call it our women’s authenticity movement,

because it is really about you being who you truly are,

deciding what it is you really want in this lifetime

and then doing it.

Someone asked me if it is just for businesswomen … not at all, though creating and running your own business is a focal point.

It’s for ALL women who are ready to be and live as their real and authentic selves.

So, go to sharriharmel.com and subscribe.  Let’s make this women’s authenticity movement BIG!

Thank you for joining me on this journey and I hope you have found this podcast topic beneficial.

Go subscribe to the magazine, join our Facebook group, and I will see you soon!

À bientôt!

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