Episode #116: Shhh … It Might Be Ageism!
How do you know when you’ve created a fabulous next chapter? Could some of your own beliefs about what you SHOULD be doing at this chapter in your life be getting in your way of you creating your own extraordinary next chapter? We’ve been told to create goals that are specific, measurable, and realistic but no one talks about how goal achievement isn’t the be all – end all. To create a life that makes you happy and has purpose is much bigger than goal achievement. Sharri shares today how ageism is everywhere around us and how we can change our mindset to create what we want in our next chapter.
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Episode #116: Shhh … It Might Be Ageism!
Welcome
We talk about you creating a fabulous next chapter…. that is the mission of Extraordinary Women Magazine.
But how do you know when you’ve created a fabulous next chapter?
Could some of your own beliefs about what you SHOULD be doing at this chapter in your life be getting in your way of you creating your own extraordinary next chapter?
Let’s start with how will you know when you’ve created that fantastic next chapter?
Is it when someone tells you that you have an amazing life? Absolutely Not!
Is it when you have taken the incredible trip, purchased the beautiful home, lost the weight you’ve always wanted to lose, finished the book you’ve dreamed of writing?? No!
Why not? Because each of those accomplishments- all by themselves are goals….and although achieving a goal is great, checking off goals, is not how we intentionally create the next chapter we want to live. There are many super achievers who are incredibly unhappy.
My guess is that many of you have been on a goal achievement treadmill for most of your life- you achieve one goal, but just like the treadmill keeps going, another goal appears right in front of you…and another… those goals keep coming until you hit the pause or stop button.
Now accomplishing goals does CONTRIBUTE to a fabulous next chapter, but just checking them off won’t give you what you really want beyond the momentary high five.
We all have a tendency to imagine that the accomplishment of one goal- if I can just do that, fix that, everything else in your life will magically fall into place.
Let me give you an example…
During my 23-year marriage, we purchased six different houses. No, we were not flippers. In fact, my former husband had a corporate job, was rarely home and hated moving. The joke between us was if I had moved between him leaving and coming back home, I just needed to give him the address.
The reason for all my moving was much deeper than me wanting a different house or town. I wanted a better marriage and I had convinced myself that if I could just find the perfect house, everyone would be happy and fix what was wrong in our marriage. I desperately wanted a happier next chapter.
Yet, no matter where my husband and I lived- all the same problems moved with us. The house didn’t matter. We had a marriage that struggled until it finally broke.
Now you’re possibly thinking, OMG Sharri, how could you have been so delusional, but like so many situations in our lives that end up not good, in hindsight we so clearly can see the signs. In the moment though, we convince ourselves it’s a one off, it doesn’t matter, or you just haven’t found the elusive things that will fix whatever or whoever.
So, I want you to reflect upon whether you have fixated on ONE goal that you convinced yourself that if you achieve it, then YOUR next chapter will be amazing?? Or are you sure there ONE goal that if you achieve it, you’ll feel worthy of a fabulous next chapter?
But ladies, like my house story, the achievement of the goals we set for ourselves feels fantastic, and yet once the euphoria or the high five passes, you’re often left wondering…is that it? Why am I still feeling lackluster? Why am I still bored?
And often when we feel that way, we decide to set another goal- maybe that one will create the magic I need.
Goals are funny things and in America, we are a goal obsessed society. Benchmarks for this, assessments for that, what university did you get into, how much money do you make, did the company hit their earnings estimates, are you in the c-suite?
And it all starts very young. Look at what we’ve done with kids’ sports.
We’ve been told to create SMART goals, goals that are specific, measurable, realistic, etc., but no one talks about how goal achievement isn’t the be all – end all
and that to create a life that makes you happy and has purpose, it’s much bigger than goal achievement.
So, as you work on what would make your next chapter maybe your best chapter, what is the big picture of that chapter you want….do some brainstorming or mind mapping- what all do you want in your next chapter.
If one aspect of your next chapter is to feel vibrant and energized
Create goals underneath that desire that could result in you feeling energized and vibrant.
Small goals may be eating healthier, exercising more, embracing yoga….
If you want to feel you’re living more luxuriously, more elegantly, what goals could get you to that feeling?
Cleaning out your closet and giving away everything that doesn’t fit, or you never wear.
Identifying one luxury purse that you are going to use almost every day.
Learn to cook one three course meal, set a gorgeous table, and invite over good friends you’ve told to dress up.
What’s important, is for you to connect to how you want to FEEL in your next chapter. The goals are only there to support THE FEELINGS.
The question I asked at the very beginning of the podcast – How will you know when you’ve created a fabulous next chapter- is all based on how YOU feel.
So start with feelings and then create goals that will bring you closer to those feelings you want in your next chapter.
And now let’s talk about the second ingredient for you to create your fabulous next chapter.
That is what is going on in your head every day- your thoughts.
And we’re specifically going to talk about something that is rarely discussed and that is ageism.
Ageism is discrimination and stereotyping based on age…we typically only think of really old people when the word ageism comes up, but ageism is everywhere.
A couple of weeks ago, CBS Sunday Morning did a segment on Ageism. Now before you stop listening, thinking you haven’t experienced ageism, listen to this…. In the United States, over 90% of people aged 50-80 experience everyday ageism.
Everyday ageism is the subtle (sometimes subliminal) messages we hear every day, which tell us how to view aging.
Those print or electronic ads for anti-aging makeup or skincare that promises youthful skin. Google and Apple know exactly how old you are. What about the ads for supplements and vitamins and certain diets that will make you feel like you are 20 years old again?
These products weren’t all created because we have a world-wide aging population, but companies, marketers, advertisers’ sole job is finding our soft spots of pain or create a feeling inside us that we need something and then create products we will buy. The anti-aging industry (coined by the advertising industry) is now the fastest growing industry….and it keeps expanding. Even 30-year-olds are being convinced they need anti-aging products and procedures.
Advertising is about emotions and feelings…but sometimes advertising embeds messages that create beliefs and feelings we didn’t previously have- and suddenly, those beliefs become a part of us far beyond a purchase.
Now, I’m a skeptic and because I’ve done a ton of work on myself and bought more self-help books than you can imagine, I listened to this CBS segment, but didn’t think it applied to me. But as I sat with my cup of espresso and listed to the conversation, I was shocked. I realized I have my own views around aging and frankly I realized I have internalized ageism.
Just a week or so ago, I remembered having said to my business coach…” maybe it was completely nuts to start a magazine at my age…maybe I don’t have enough time to make it the big success that I want it to be….”
That’s ageism ladies. I was limiting myself and my next chapter life, solely based on my age. I didn’t say, I don’t have the skills to run a successful magazine. I implied; I might be too old.
Yesterday I had a little surgery on my heel and needed to use a walker until the nerve deadening medicine wore off. I got on the elevator hoping I’d see no one. I imagined myself as a 100-year-old woman at an old age facility. The elevator stops and who gets on? A young man about 30 years old. I smiled and said- don’t mind me I had foot surgery. He laughed and said, “I get it, that was me a few months ago…” Here I was, embarrassed by me with my walker and all that meant…that is another example of the ageism that I inflict on myself.
And as I’ve said so many times, what we say to ourselves is much more debilitating than anything said by another person.
So, let dive in a little further.
The CBS segment introduced us to Ashton Applewhite who did a TED talk on ageism and wrote the book This Chair Rocks. She talked about how ageism is actually negatively impacts our health by creating chronic stress and even premature mortality. Research shows that those who have a positive attitude about aging, live 7.5 years longer than someone who is resigned to the the negative view of aging. Egad … so those casual comments of our wrinkles, changed bodies, or believing you’re beyond the expiration date for dating…are actually hurting your health! Shortening your life!
Then, if you are wanting to start a side gig or significantly grow your solo business, J. Daniel Kim, a Wharton business school professor joined the conversation. He and two colleagues studied entrepreneurs. They wanted to know what specifically correlates with being successful entrepreneurs. Professor Kim says that when we think of entrepreneurs, who comes to mind are people like Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, and Steve Jobs. They all started their companies when they were quite young. That generalized thought feeds our belief that women of a certain age should never start a business- solely because they aren’t young.
But J. Daniel Kim points out that the average age of successful entrepreneurs is 42 years old!
Even Mark, Bill and Steve might have started their companies in their late twenties, but their companies weren’t really successful until they were in their late 30’s and early 40’s.
Here are a few more examples that bust through that belief that to start a company you have to be young.
Vera Wang opened her first bridal boutique at age 40.
Toni Morrison wrote her first book at age 40.
Julia Child went on television with her cooking show when she was in her 50’s!
Arianna Huffington founded the Huffington post at age 55.
Judi Dench was in her 60’s when her acting career really took off.
So, the next time you or I say, Maybe I’m too old to start this, maybe I don’t have enough time left to make this a success, I want you to catch yourself. Let’s make a promise to stop the internal ageism that we dump on ourselves. Those negative thoughts and beliefs will significantly impact whether or not you create a fabulous next chapter.
And remember, everyday ageism is everywhere…. And even if you logically believe a product will make you look 20 when you are 45, because you are bombarded constantly with messages that aging is bad and we need to fight it off at all costs, you have absorbed the messages.
That creates an internal belief system that limits what you can imagine creating in your next chapter.
Unconsciously, it becomes easy to say…it’s too late, my time has passed, I’m too old, etc.
Catch yourself. I started writing this podcast a few days ago and still I got on the elevator with my little walker embarrassed by looking old and decrepit.
So, shifting internal beliefs takes work. Be intentional and vigilant.
As you begin to design and create your fantastic next chapter, remember to start with the feelings you want….an elegant woman, a happy woman, a contributing woman…. once you know the feelings you want in your next chapter, then lay out the goals that will give you those feelings.
And even more important, pay attention to your thoughts. Whenever you are feeling low, or tired or insecure about creating what you want, check in with yourself to see if those old ageism beliefs are getting play time again.
Have a great week.
A bientot.
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