Podcast Episode #102: 10 Things I’ve Learned When I Finally Became a Grown Up!
You might think being a grown up comes automatically with age, right? In today’s episode, Sharri Harmel discusses how she is a case study for that not always being true. She also shares advice on 10 things she has learned as an adult that we can all apply to our lives as we move forward on our journey. She reminds us to do the things that make you happy and that we are the CEO of our own life and business.
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Podcast Episode #102: 10 Things I’ve Learned When I Finally Became a Grown Up!
Now you might think being a grownup comes automatically with age, but I’m a case study for that not always being true.
So let’s get started.
- How to be a mom to adult children.
I was an opinionated mom. No surprise, right? I was a hands-on mom. I would swoop in if my kids needed something, anything and make it happen. As my son said, “you don’t suffer fools gladly.” I was an intense doer. I ran the school fundraisers, I was a girl scout leader, I was the PTA president, I was a crazed tennis player, I could put on at least three parties over a two-day holiday. (Layering the tablecloths is the key.)
Now, when everyone was little, that was okay, they actually loved it. But now my kids are adults and have partners, so I’ve had to learn to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself, support them when they ask for help and always let them know I love them.
Oh gosh is it sometime hard.
You bought a house where? You are contemplating home schooling? Your son’s long hair is sooo pretty. Your partner wants what? Camping with six kids is fun?
All said with a smile.
Being a mom to adult children requires me to stay calm, stay a little bit detached, have minimal expectations but always let them know how much I love them.
The loving part was easy, but keeping my mouth shut and my opinions to myself were hard but I think I’ve finally got it right.
When I detached a bit and recognized my kids have to make their own mistakes, because that is how they will learn and grow…. that is what life is about. Plus, detaching a bit meant that I accepted they are living THEIR lives not mine.
Loving them is what is important.
- Do what makes YOU happy.
This gets back to expectations. We all have to find within ourselves, what it is that will make the next few years, happy ones for us.
A few podcasts ago I talked about how being the constant giver will end up making you feel resentful. Well, this also applies to having adult children and hoping they have the time to do the things you enjoy doing with them.
My two kids and their partners are overwhelmed with commitments. It’s the kids’ sports, tutors, lessons, you name it. They don’t have time to think about me- because all the time they have is spent with their careers, their children, and their lives.
Not that long ago, when children played sports- hardly anyone showed up. Now it’s a parent cheering squad and Parents are running home from work to drive kids to practices and games. In the old days, hardly anyone practiced! Kids walked to any after school activities.
Plus, the world is scarier for our children today and that means parents have to be much more involved than ever before, and that takes time.
So, if you have adult children- forget the fantasy of getting together all the time. You need to figure out what you love to do, then plan it and do it.
I live in Paris for 2-3 months at a time and in the beginning I felt guilty. No more. When I moved to Minneapolis for those three years truly for my kids, I’ve never felt lonelier. Yes, covid happened but I realized, my kids and grandkids were on the go all the time. So back to Boston I went and now I’m back to a full and happy life.
I accepted it’s not my kids’ job to fill my need for connection.
So travel if you want to travel. Start a business if you’ve always wanted to do so.
Write a book if that’s on your bucket list. Take art classes, go to meetups, join the birder group, learn photography, just do it.
You’ll be much happier than you’ll ever be – waiting for an invitation.
- I’m the CEO of my own life and business.
This one has taken me a while. Sure, I appear to be totally in control and confident but underneath that armor, I continually looked for the person or program that had the right answers, could provide the results I wanted. Yep, I’m a wimp.
It’s taken me a while, but I now realize this business and life is on me. No one else in the world, cares as much about me or knows me that way I do.
I was reminded of this by one of the men on my new investment team. When I wined a little that I was nervous to tell my old team I was leaving them, his comment was something like- you run a magazine, are you really stressed about this?
Now men are wired differently than women. Thank heavens. What would the world be like with no men?
But his comment woke me up. Yes, I’m running a business. I’ve also started an amazing non-profit that still exists today. I’ve coached high level executives, consulted a billion+ dollar company CEO…If I don’t have what it takes to feel confident in myself, what in the world is the sign I’m waiting for?
And more important, if I don’t have confidence in myself, how can I possibly expect anyone else to believe in me?
So, at my ripe old age, I’ve finally put on my big girl pants and stepped into confidence.
- To be a Leader (and CEO of your life) means you are leading people
Extraordinary Women is a business. It’s a LOT more complicated than my coaching business because there are more pieces and therefore more people involved.
The EW magazine has a magazine designer, photographers, contributors, women to interview, themes to develop- and then when it is complete it needs to be marketed.
The EW podcast has guest management, writing, editing, posting and because I’m no good at technology, I have a podcast manager.
All the marketing applications- IG, FB, Pinterest, Issuu, Vimeo, etc., etc. are too techy for this gal, so I have to hire people who are good at those platforms.
People make things complicated, and I had to learn to step into being a leader not a friend.
If you are serious about your business, you’ll have to manage people as a leader. You’re in charge and you’re going to have to hire, fire and set expectations. Your business is not a meet up group.
This one also took me a while. I wanted to be liked. I was afraid that if someone who works for me didn’t like me, they’d leave….and that would feel like rejection.
But it’s MY business- I stand alone on this…. if it fails everyone who works for me will find someone else to work for. I’ll be the one holding the failure in my hands. So, embraced being a leader.
- A sugar coma doesn’t feel good anymore.
When I was a young girl, I used to eat Jell-O out of the boxes- obviously before the water was added. My favorite was cherry, which was loaded with one of the toxic red dyes- which maybe explains a LOT about my personality!
I used to love nothing more than hardly eating a meal because I had been sticking my finger in a bowl of raw Jell-O, while reading a good book for an hour before dinner. I was never overweight as a young person- in fact, I didn’t get fat until I was in my 50’s- but I have always, always had a sugar addiction. As a kid, my primary motivation to work was to keep myself in candy and magazines.
But in recent years, I decided to conquer my sugar addition.
I was doing great, and then some health issues come up. Well, I got scared and spiraled down into the mindset of heck, if I’m not going to live very long, why not eat exactly what I’m craving, which is still sugar!
Now I don’t eat the fancy French chocolates, I eat junky candy like jelly bellies, Haribo berries, hot tamales, licorice, good and plenty’s, etc.
For two weeks I ate all the sugar I craved.
And ladies, I puffed up like an overweight hedgehog and found myself feeling sluggish, exhausted, and cranky as the full onslaught of inflammation took over.
Now, put in whatever is your vice…. whether it’s alcohol, not exercising, or maybe fast food. What we could get away with putting into our bodies when we are young, isn’t sustainable as we age. You’ve probably all figured this out long ago, but I’m a slow learner.
- Stand tall…. posture is everything.
Figuratively and literally, this is true. Bad posture makes us look old, inconsequential, and even invisible.
No matter what, walk into spaces proud of the body and person you are. Remember you are a confident, competent woman, so ask yourself, how would a woman with that mindset walk into a room?
Yes, sometimes we have to pretend a little. But honestly if I tell myself be confident- I feel confident.
I have found that if I fall into my poor, poor, pitiful self – and walk into a restaurant thinking ’m just a single older woman looking for a table for one, my shoulders will slump, and the hostess will seat me at that table for one right outside the bathroom door!
Just last night, I was in a restaurant early, and the hostess was taking me to a room on the side with no one else in it! I said no, I need people. Couldn’t I have a booth by the window? And she said, of course!
- Nice teeth and good lipstick make all the difference.
I’m on zoom a lot. I’ve learned I can have zero makeup on, but with a little lipstick, I’m presentable.
Out and about in the world, a good lipstick makes my face look vibrant and interesting. When I don’t wear lipstick, I look like I just fell out of bed or need to check into a hospital.
Look at Queen Elizabeth. The woman is 96 years old, and you will sometimes see her adding a little lippy as I call it. The Queen has figured it out, and lipstick is obviously one of the things she must carry in those gorgeous purses of hers!
As for our teeth, my bottoms were starting to crowd so I got Invisalign. Now I can’t talk with those things in my mouth without lisping and at my age, I’m not willing to lisp for a year- so I only wear them at night. It takes twice as long but who cares. Speaking of British queens, one look at the Queen mother’s teeth and you’ll run to the orthodontist.
- Keep reading books
Joining book clubs is not only super communal for me- and I’m in three at the moment- but book clubs also force me to read books I wouldn’t normally choose and that keeps my mind open and curious.
I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, that reading does keep my mind open to new things, different cultures and interests.
And there’s something about books that doesn’t happen when you read online shares. I’m now exploring some of the classics. Pierre Vesperinin, a French historian, just wrote a super interesting book on the value of reading the classics and how studying the past has value. He said in an interview, which learning about things that came before us – maximizes our ability to think and form opinions for ourselves. In the interview, Pierre implied that we have lost our critical intelligence and creativity because we are trying to erase the past based on trends of today.
As an example, and ladies this will make you think. Pierre wrote that everyone mourned the burning of Notre Dame, and yet most people don’t know that on the façade of the main doors to the building, there is a relief of a woman blindfolded by a snake and a fallen crown at her feet. This relief actually depicts the submission and irrelevance of Judaism.
So should we then we wish Notre Dame had burned to the ground or do we try to learn from our past? Reading that article made me wish Pierre’s book was translated into English because it got me to think and that is why reading is such a powerful ingredient to a happy life.
I’m proposing that maybe this is what is wrong with the world today, there are not enough readers!
Goodness, if Putin read anything about Napoleon or Alexander the Great, maybe he’d reconsider what he is doing in Ukraine. Send that nut some books people.
- Learn to cook for one (or two) and pull out the good china
After my divorce, I sort of gave up cooking. It wasn’t as much fun when I didn’t get praise for a meal I had made. For a good while, I ate pretty much what the French would consider junk. I just threw together things or at pre-prepared meals. One course and most of the time, I ate my dinner in front of the television or while reading a book.
Now, you all know I’m a porcelain addict. I have at least 3 different china patterns in each of my apartments. After my divorce, it sat in my cupboards…waiting for someday when that prince shows up at my door or I have a family dinner with my kids.
But aren’t I worth the good china? None of our kids will want our china after we’re gone. Most of my china was purchased at brocantes that some other woman’s children sold. So, I’m pulling out the plates right now. I’m collecting cookbooks that are written for 1-2 servings and I’m planning out at least two meals each week with an entrée (which is the appetizer or starter), a main course and a dessert.
- Last, celebrate life- get a bottle of champagne and toast that amazing woman looking back at you from the mirror.
Who says you need a partner or a best friend in order to celebrate. As great as they are, what is most important is that YOU celebrate YOU.
You should always be YOUR greatest cheerleader.
Have a great week my friends and à bientot.
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