Today’s podcast is a discussion of how we talk to and about ourselves.
We’ll often disparage ourselves when we talk about ourselves with others. For some reason, we’re comfortable making negative comments about ourselves. Negative comments that if someone said them directly to us, we’d be completely crushed. Yet, we do it to ourselves.
Then there are our private conversations we have ourselves, that inner voice we all possess. We can make statements and judgements galore to ourselves that are quite frankly, pretty abusive.
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I’m Sharri Harmel, Chief Creative of the Extraordinary Women Circle and Community, as well as Editor-in-Chief of the Extraordinary Women Magazine.
I’ve been a coach for over 20 years and my dream is to create an even bigger platform so that all women can envision and then step into THEIR big dreams.
Our sole focus in the EW Circle and Community is to support woman like you to ignite their dreams!
And we do that inside the EW Circle, which includes the EW magazine, regular live conversations, and workshops so you get the clarity you need to create your big dream and help you to stay on track to make it come true.
Thank you for joining me and let’s get started!!
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Episode 74: Negative Self-Talk Does Matter!
Just today, I was on a zoom call with my coach – yes, coaches need to have their own coach! I was talking to her about my recent successful quiz that’s positively building my business. But instead of focusing on the goodness and success of that quiz, I said, “Gosh, it’s taken me 3 tries…I’m such a slow learner…”
My coach jumped in and quickly said that I wasn’t a slow learner and refused to let me brush off my negative comment. After the call ended, I thought about what I had said. Was I so hungry for a compliment that I said it to wait for a countering compliment? Was I embarrassed that it has taken me three tries before I get a quiz that performs? Or was I really just disappointed in myself?
It could have been a bit of all three, but suddenly I became aware of the importance of our self-talk, those inner conversations we have with ourselves. Ethan Kross, wrote an excellent book titled, Chatter. In the book he says, “our inner voice can be either a helpful superpower or destructive kryptonite.”
Thinking and self-talk is part of the unique puzzle of the human brain. We need to think… we work things out in our heads. We solve problems in our heads. Lots of good things often happen when we think. Yet within all our thinking, we often have negative conversations in our heads. Inner talk that does nothing to move us forward.
Yes, our self-talk can be powerful and fuel your dreams or it is negative and will sabotage every dream you ever have for yourself.
But why do we do this?
I’ve got a very smart friend who regularly says things like “in my little pea brain…”
Another friend who regularly shares that she believes no man will ever want her again after her long marriage ended because she believes she is no longer attractive.
Now, we won’t even discuss how our brains looks for ways to support our opinions- whether positive or negative but these are just a couple of negative statements a couple of my friends often share.
What are those negative comments YOU regularly say to yourself??
Do they sound like this??
How did you fall for this again?
You are so stupid; how did you not see this coming?
Haven’t you learned anything?
Abusive right? We need to create new habits around how we talk to ourselves.
Then another sideways way we often put ourselves down…is when we preface our shares with others, with some sort of minimizing words…
“I’m no expert in. but I think…”
Or
“I maybe not be the brightest but…”
You’d never, ever allow someone else to talk to you that way, would you? You’d be totally offended, right? And yet, you give your own negative talk, a free pass.
All those negative words and inner dialogues we think or say are at the root of almost all our self-confidence issues. If you’ve ever heard of imposter syndrome, negative self-talk is what fuels it.
As humans we have the gift of remembering the past, being in the present and imagining the future. We are always thinking, we can’t stop it. We’re driving somewhere we’ve been so many times; we can think about something else while we’re driving. Or we get on the subway and our thoughts might be about dinner plans, an upcoming vacation, a book we’re reading… we’re thinking so much we might hardly notice who else in the subway car with us. This is also why travel can sometimes be so good for our minds. Travel does expand the mind… not literally but in what we are thinking about, imagining for ourselves.
As Ethan Kross, author of Chatter said, “We use our minds to make sense of our experiences.”
We never lose this voice in our heads unless we’ve had a stroke or suffer from dementia, both sadly destroy our memories and we use our memories in so much of our thinking to make sense of what’s happening in our lives, to have a context to put our new experiences.
Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who documented her own stroke and recovery in her book, My Stroke of Insight as well as her TED Talk that went viral. She shared that because all of her memories were wiped out, there was a gift in her stroke, and that was that her inner critic was completely silenced. As a result, she shared that she realized “paying attention to our self-talk is vitally important for our mental health.” Jill’s gone on to write several more books on the importance of our self-talk in our mental health.
Negative self-talk and thoughts will take over our ability to accomplish anything- and certainly our dreams. If you question this and feel assured that you can compartmentalize negativity from what you need to accomplish… think back to a stressful argument you had with someone. My guess is that that experience stayed with you long after it ended. You may even have had difficulty getting your mind to shift.
To test this out, there was a study to see how much people could comprehend what they read, shortly after an emotional exchange with someone. The results? Very little. In a nutshell, this study proved that long after a highly emotional event, you will spend time thinking about it, and work through it… and that we don’t shift all that quickly. There are ways to encourage a shift, but our brains can easily get stuck in the thinking, as though as in a web that keeps our negative thoughts circling round and round.
So, we’ve said as humans we all think, and we think a LOT… What can we do to silence our negative self-talk when it happens and encourage positive self-talk?
- Journal. Writing down what’s going on does many good things. It helps you to stand back and see the experience in the bigger context of your life…rather than one incident that defines you.
Another benefit is that writing about what happened often allows you to get a different perspective on the person who maybe you are struggling with and your roll in the exchange. When I journal, it’s like I’m my own therapist. I can see the event and people, what maybe is happening, in a different light because I’m observing it not in it.
- Next try Positive self-talk and use your name! Believe it or not, using your own name gives vastly different results. Start right away in the morning…. look in the mirror and say something like “Sharri, I’m proud of how hard you are working to create your business.” Or “Samantha, this is going to be a fantastic day!” “Caroline, you look gorgeous!?
This is proven ladies so catch yourself if you are engaging in any negative self-talk during the day. When it happens, stop what you are doing and then take a minute to say something positive to yourself and use your name!
- Pretend you are your own best friend. Isn’t it always easier to help others? You see everything so clearly when it’s others’ lives, you’re analyzing right? Try it on yourself. You sit in the best friend seat and talk to yourself. Tell yourself exactly what you/she needs to hear.
- Last, create a routine. You need to have a tool that you can pull out whenever that negative self-talk happens- and know that it will. Try all these and any you can think of and land of what feels like it’s making a difference for you.
We’re thinking beings remember, so negative thoughts and comments will happen. Don’t be hard on yourself and have a plan.
I journal and do so since I was a child, but recently, I’ve added putting a smile on my face and saying to myself, “Sharri, you can do this. I know you can!” We all need cheerleaders, and you should be your own #1 cheerleader!!
These are just a few ideas that work for me. Try them all out…. come up with what works for you, have a routine, and do share.
Go into our FB group and share with others what is working for you. Remember, thinking is human….and is an amazing gift.
We just want to create positive self-talk that supports and nurtures our dreams.
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Outro
Thank you for joining me today. If you liked our conversation, please give me a review, and do come back for more!
We are in the middle of the 3 weeks to Dream Readiness Workshop that I offer two times a year for our FB group and EW circle.
If you have yet to sign up for the Extraordinary Women magazine, go to extraordinarywomenmagazine.com and join us.
It’s much more than a magazine which is why we call it the EW circle. With a magazine subscription, you get the opportunity to participate in workshops, conversations and special benefits that are all about supporting you to make your dreams come true. No more just writing and planning…the EW circle is about helping you to make your dreams actually happen!
The EW magazine is…. A fabulous magazine where we always highlight two inspiring women that have stepped into their dreams in a big way. There are several additional sections, but we have just started a new section called subscriber spotlight, where one magazine subscriber gets to promote her business and share a bit about herself and her big dream. How cool is that??!!
Go to extraordinarywomenmagazine.com and subscribe.
Now, there is a lot of dream talk, but what makes me and the EW Circle different is I’ve been a coach – a real coach for over 20 years and ALL that experience helps me to create what you want and need.
The EW magazine, workshop, our conversations, and ultimately the EW circle is about supporting extraordinary women like you. Women who make things happen by figuring out what it is you want, and using your gifts, talents, and strengths to build what it is you want to create!
Go to Extraordinary Women Magazine.com and join us by clicking the subscribe button. It’s only $29.99 AND let me know you want to be added to the Dream Readiness Workshop.
Thank you for your precious time today and given I am now back in Boston; I’ll say See you soon!
And to my friends in Paris, Bonne journée.
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