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I’m Sharri Harmel, life & business coach, as well as creator of Loving the Real You.
Today’s we’re talking about confidence. But what is confidence? And does it differ from self-esteem?
Self-esteem is usually speaking of how we feel about ourselves, our self-worth and
is about how much we like ourselves?
Confidence, on the other hand, is typically connected to feelings around what we think we can achieve. Confidence is all about the doing.
For women, our confidence comes from knowing who you are- at your core. Not the roles you have in your life, but the woman you truly are… the real you.
And confidence seems to be a much bigger issue for women than it is for men.
Why is that?
Well, most women are very intuitive and dare I say nurturing, so we constantly read the people around us. We take in the energy of those people, their non-verbal communication, their comments, and more. Also, most women are natural people pleasers, so we shift and morph ourselves to be received more positively by the people around us.
As a consequence, we very often don’t really show people who we are, or what we really think.
I’m a direct, focused woman, with a brain that makes connections and creates ideas as easily as I breathe. I started out my career in the financial services industry as a stockbroker and I was always nervous that I was coming across as too strong, too ambitious, too focused, just too much…. and we’ve all heard what the world calls women like that.
So, I learned to turn myself down and even worse, not ask for what I wanted.
During my marriage, I advised my CEO husband on the large private company he ran for almost two decades, but never once did I ask for a position in the company. Even though I knew more about that company than most of his direct reports, I stayed “the wife” to the outside world. It worked for him, but a huge mistake for me when our marriage ended.
How does this relate to confidence? Because as women, we tend to worry about the feelings of others. We want to be perceived as supportive whether it is at work or at home. Now, I’m not asking you to shut down your feminine strengths of intuition and nurturing leadership traits, but you do need to cultivate your confidence so that you speak up and show up as you really are AND not just be amazing doers.
Let me explain. This is a story from one of my recent coaching clients. I’ll call her Samantha. Sam is an ambitious, smart, talented professional woman. I discussed confidence on one of our calls, and even made the suggestion of a book she should read. In that session, Sam was rather quiet when I talked about confidence. I could tell the conversation didn’t feel right for her at that moment.
A couple of sessions later, Sam shared that she wouldn’t have said confidence was an issue for her until she thought more about herself in a work context and started to read the book I had recommended, titled The Confidence Code by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman.
Suddenly the light bulb went off in her head, and Sam realized that confidence was a huge issue for her and that was why she wasn’t sharing her opinions at work. Instead, Sam shared that she stayed quiet because she had doubted her expertise (even though she was very accomplished in her area of work) and worried too much about the reactions of others.
So, if you can relate to Sam, your biggest hurdle might be inside your own head! Those mindset issues just keep showing up, don’t they?
Another two weeks went by and Sam shared with me that she is now speaking up in meetings much more and her senior manager, who is in these same meetings, recently gave her the feedback that she was impressed with Sam’s input and ideas and encouraged her to share more! As for the rest of the team, they are all men and were sort of taken aback at her ideas.
But what’s really going on here? Why don’t women feel as confident to speak up, share their ideas, display whatever their strengths are in a work context?
Many women, ask yourself if this is true for you, believe that your work will speak loud enough for people to notice you and recognize your contributions. But as many of you know, this isn’t how leadership works.
Yes, your good work is noticed, but leadership requires taking risks and showing your unique and valuable ways of thinking, analyzing, which is leading.
Whether you are a corporate gal or a stay-at-home mother, the word leader and leadership apply. The definition of leadership is motivating a group of people towards something. Well, are we ALL leading in some capacity?
Now, when you stick to over producing and over delivering but not sharing what you think
as well as what you are doing, most people just don’t view you as a leader. (Super dangerous if you have kids.)
But there are other components at play here.
The first is that as a woman, you are more likely to be an over-achiever and even perfectionist, therefore you might be waiting to be sure that it is safe for you to ask for what you want, and share what you think, especially if you have a contrary opinion.
This is very different from the average man. Men ask to be on the A-teams whether they are qualified or not. Statistics tell us that men apply for jobs when they have 60% of the required skills. Women? We don’t apply unless we have almost 100% of the skills listed on a job description. Why? This leads to the second component. Men are much more comfortable stretching themselves because men are more comfortable with failure than women.
We have to stop waiting for permission or an invitation from the universe to move ahead on your dreams.
The only person we need permission from, is ourselves.
We need to kick all the should be’s out the door and welcome in the could be’s.
Now I work with women who are ready to explore starting a business of their own.
Whether you have been in the corporate world and ready to walk out the door or your job has been to raise the kids.
If the entrepreneurial spirit is nudging you to create something, do something, building something…. it’s imperative for you to step up and grow your confidence on many different levels.
And exactly how do you grow your confidence?
First, the biggest builder of confidence is action! This is where men can be good teachers for us. From a young age, boys are more likely to do something long before they master it.
My mindset superpower is taking action, but if that’s not yours, I invite you to push yourself to get uncomfortable. Action does build confidence. Action also helps you to learn new skills, make needed connections, and the biggy, step into self-promotion. Embrace Nike’s old tagline…. Just do it.
My client Sam’s, self-confidence (and visibility) grew exponentially when she stopped keeping her gifts locked up inside her head and began speaking out.
The second builder of confidence is to Love the Real You. Remember when I said as a woman, your confidence comes from knowing who you really are and not the roles you have in your life? Knowing yourself, the real you, will give you that authenticity to never compromise who you are just to fit in.
Instead, when you know who you are, you’ll feel the real confidence you need to do what you crave to do. When you truly know yourself, the fog lifts and every decision and choice in your life becomes much clearer.
Now, maybe you’re at the place of wanting to get started on a business idea, but not sure on your idea or you may have several ideas.
This is my wheelhouse ladies. I hope we do work together, but if it’s not me, find a coach who can lead you through the process of exploring options based on your life and work values and direct you to research whether your idea meets your skills, your passions and has a strong market demand for what you want to create.
Let’s go ladies. It’s time. No more waiting for permission or a sign from the universe. Step into your confidence by taking action.
Let’s all channel Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music… and sing out “I have confidence in ME!”
On Feb. 16, I’m launching a mini- course as a boost for you to make sure your choices and behaviors support your dreams for 2021 and beyond.
Recapture your Joie de Vivre or Joy of Living is taking place LIVE on three Tuesdays in February and March, beginning right after Valentine’s Day.
This course is perfect if you are struggling to come up with the new behaviors and choices that you need to step into your big dream.
We’ll be discussing a different topic each week – your self-esteem, your surroundings and how you spent your time. Every one of these is relevant to embracing the changes you need to make in 2021.
If you can’t be on live, no worries, because I’ll be recording the calls so you can listen when it works for your schedule.
Because of the financial difficulties COVID has created, I’ve decided to give you an incredibly special discounted price! I know, totally crazy, but it’s my gift to YOU!
Now, I’ll never, ever offer this mini-course at this price again, so don’t wait.
Go and sign up right now. Make this Valentine’s Day the first day of the rest of year. Have confidence in making your big, extraordinary and audacious goals for 2021 come true.
I hope to see you on February 16th!
Come and join the party.
As always, thank you for listening and being on this journey with me. If you liked this podcast, please subscribe and write me a review. Reviews do matter!
Bye for now….
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