Podcast Episode 8: Are You This or That? - Extraordinary Women Magazine

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Recently, my granddaughter Lainey, asked me if I would be willing to be interviewed by her for her government class. Of course, I said yes, but the very first question threw me. Which political party do you identify with most of the time? And there were only two options!

I began arguing with the question… why are there only two options? But, reigning myself in, I stopped talking and she went on. Next question. Again, there were limited answer options!

My granddaughter is a lot like me, so she wasn’t at all surprised with me arguing about the format of the survey questions. My son was laughing as I was pointing out how the survey needed to have more options and pretty soon all three of us were laughing.

I then related my refusal to accept these two answer options back to our discussion we had a year or so ago, when I shared my struggles with online dating. It was then that Lainey told me I maybe was a little too intense and asked too many questions of my “dates.” My son contributed that maybe my interests and thought processes weren’t like the typical mid-life woman.

Now before you get protective of me, know that they both love me and that we have conversations like this all the time. We’re actually a LOT alike. But the point was that I wasn’t acting as expected in the role I was in.

But it got me thinking….

Does that survey resemble life?

Do we only have two choices? Are we either this or that?

Is the world basically, so two-option focused that part of our struggle as women is that we aren’t just this or that? Possibly. Instead, we are a mix of lots of expressions of the roles that we have in our lives.

On this topic, I want to share a few comments I’ve heard from my clients over the years.

Am I a horrible mother because I relate better to children who talk in complete sentences than I relate to babies?

I’m a caring mother but I also love my job, how do I do both?

People judge me as direct and intense, but they don’t see that that I have a huge heart that often gets me into trouble.

I just don’t fit. I’m told I’m too assertive for a woman.

I’m often perceived as an extrovert because when I’m passionate about something, I tend to talk a lot, but I’m really an introvert.

I’m at that certain age when I should be planning for my retirement, but I still have business ideas I want to try out and strongly feel that I need a purpose in life. How can I be comfortable being the oldest person in the room?

So, we are a mixture of this and that and a whole lot of other ingredients based on our personalities, our experiences, values, beliefs and even our skills. Therefore, we can’t be defined by a role nor are you going to look like anyone else in that role.

We actually might feel caught or trapped by our roles but ladies, it is only because of the beliefs WE have taken on about what that role means that creates confusion and discomfort in our lives. Society wants us to be this or that and nothing else, just like the survey my granddaughter had me take. But it is our choice whether we accept those societal restrictions, or we live our lives being our real selves.

Think about what words come to mind when I say…

A mother should be….

A wife should be……

In midlife you should be….

An artist should be……

A female corporate executive should be……

If you don’t let yourself pause too long, the words will immediately come to you.

Ladies, those are the beliefs you have incorporated into your own life.

So, let’s all do some work around what we believe we should be, based on our roles.

Pull out a sheet of paper and write down all the roles you play in your life.

Mother

Wife

Single woman

Executive

Mid-life professional

Entrepreneur

Housewife (now that’s a loaded role)

Now without spending too much time thinking, next to each role write down what a person in that role should be. How they should be acting.

For example, if mother is on your list, maybe these are some of the words that come to mind. Giving, self-sacrificing, Mother Theresa-like, patient, calm, joyful.

Turning to your own roles, take a minute and write your words for each of your roles.

When you are finished, look at the list and see what you wrote.

These are the beliefs you have taken on about each role.

How many of those beliefs are making you feel trapped? How many are making you feel uncomfortable- like an itchy sweater? How many don’t really fit you?

Breathe that in and then do a few jumping jacks to clear your brain. Exercise actually does clear the brain!

Now go back to each role and put the REAL you into that role. How is the type of mother you are, reflective of the real you, the unique and special you?

I wasn’t a craft-loving mother. In fact, even today, going into a craft stores almost gives me hives. Nor did I enjoy standing on the sidelines watching my daughter practice for equestrian competitions. I grew up in the city and was afraid of horses.

I did love to cook though, so even though my kid was never going to give beautiful homemade gifts to teachers or family members, and didn’t have a mother who was comfortable even holding a horse let alone ride one, by the time she was eight years old, the girl knew how to make yummy cookies.

Oh, I tried though. I tried to be what I thought a perfect mother would be.

Every time I tried to be something I was not- whether it was pony club mom, school craft leader, or even a part of a mom group, I felt exhausted and depressed.

Two really important clues that you aren’t being true to your real self.

So, I want you to work on exploring how you bring the real you into every role you possess. Describe how the roles of mother, wife, middle-aged or single, career woman or even friend, all honor and incorporate the real you. Observe how each role stretches and is redefined because you are in it. Ladies, you are not this or that. There are not only two answers. You are a mixture of your unique personality, values and life experiences that all together make you the woman you are today.

So, I invite you to take off your masks, put aside any non-supportive beliefs, and re-define every single role you have in your life, with the real you in mind. There is no one else in the world quite like you.

It’s time to celebrate her.

I’d love to hear from you. Join my Facebook group and share what you learned from the exercise in this episode. Are you looking at your life roles with a new perspective now that you are showing up as the real you? In the group, we share the successes but also the struggles, so join this great group of like-minded women.

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Until next week,

A bientôt.